Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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