I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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