Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
