I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
