I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
