i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
