if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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