I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
