That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
