I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
