there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
