So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
