I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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