Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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