I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
