FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
