she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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