Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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