you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
