They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
