I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
