I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You left your phone here
Wait...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
