just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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