I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
