Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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