Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
