alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
