I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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