if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
