You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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