You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
