it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We talked him into tasing himself.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
