For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
