he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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