So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
