Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
