I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
