I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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