So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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