Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
