so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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