alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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