The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
