I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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