So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
