the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
