then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
