Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's shark week go big or go home
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
