why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
