dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
